Standing Before the Door of Fear
Picture this: You stand on the precipice of something great. You have hustled and grinded your way through the hard times. You have pushed past all the desire to quit or to go another direction. But there’s one last door to walk through. It’s right there in front of you. It’s clearly labeled with a sign that says:
THIS IS THE FEAR THAT’S STOPPING YOU FROM ACHIEVING YOUR DREAMS
My Fear Was Social Media
Well, for me, that door is here on social media.
Over the last four years I have devoted a good amount of my early mornings, late nights, and weekends to chasing a dream that I’ve had since I was a kid.
I wanted to be a writer.
Specifically, I wanted to be the next Franklin W. Dixon (which was crippling to find out later in life was not one person haha). Then I wanted to be the next Jeffrey Deaver, the next Craig Johnson, and so on.
And on and on the daydreaming went, year after year.
And I did zero.
Until one day I didn’t.
I had an idea and I started typing.
I had fun so I showed up again and again.
Then I had a finished book, and it sucked.
But there was enough in there that made me think I could right the ship, so I dove in deeper.
Writing, Failing, Learning
Meanwhile, I thought that I could not only be the next great mystery writer, but somehow in my delusional state, the next great motivational writer at the same time.
So I wrote a bunch of stuff for that too.
Sobriety, depression.I tackled the big two that I know inside and out.
I liked the way it felt.
Shit, I was proud of all of it.
You lean in and stare into the pitch black. There’s probably a light switch… but you don’t know where it is. Or what’s waiting inside.
Other human people told me it wasn’t the worst thing they read, and while they were friends and family, I believed them and decided to publish it.
Excited to step into the arena, I released my books on Amazon to …. Crickets.
Well technically, I started to get traction on Neon Nights, but since details are effectively my kryptonite, the formatting was terrible and I started getting blasted with 1-star reviews.
Mind you, I spent a shit ton of money making these books perfect, and then uploaded the wrong file.
Ouch.
So I took the books down, and I kept writing, but with one really big caveat.
I didn’t try to publish anything.
I didn’t share anything with anyone.
I wrote and wrote, improving every day, but realizing somewhere along the way that if I didn’t go back out into the ring, my family was just going to have a bunch of crap that they felt obligated to read through if I croaked, with none of it actually finished.
Hiding Behind a Pen Name
So back to where I started this post. Self promotion is not my strong suit. I don’t like being on video. I don’t like sharing things about my life. So I went with a pen name ... Eugene Owens in the hopes that he could do the heavy lifting for me. Plus the name Stiltner is a disaster for people to say correctly, a quirk I never really noticed until I got much older. Owen is also my son’s name, so that’s pretty cool. I am not here to subject everyone to endless posts about my writing. I don't need you to follow my page or buy my stuff. I just need to step into the cave, and for me, it's writing this.
My Work So Far
To date, I have released a full length novel called “Neon Nights” set in the fictional beach town of East Bay. I have also completed four books in the “motivational” space (The Director’s Cut, One Hour At A Time, Action, and Riley Baxter), a continuation of the work I did with Scott French and Nick Tribuno Media for Sober and Stoked something of which I am still incredibly proud of.
I’m still scared of the leap, but I’m far more interested in flying than any failure, embarrassment, or criticism that comes along with the release of my work to the public for real.
I have done a PHD in failure and embarrassment, but closing in on 20 years sober, I know that it’s okay to fail.
It’s even okay to fail spectacularly.
This Is My First Step Forward
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